God Save Hogwarts
by Madame Wolf
Summary: It's a Mary-Sue, but I'm openly admitting this. We don't die, but we fall in love with a couple of characters in the MWPP era. Weird, crazy, insane. Review!
1. Introduction

Hello.

The story that is about to begin involves Mary-Sues. Except, they are not called Mary-Sue, because that is a stupid name for a pair of teenagers in this day and age. Their names are Stevie and Paige, and they are not the heroes of this story, although the story will be following them around.

The characters are not flawless. They are stupid, naive at times, and based on the author and her best friend. Imagine, if you will, a pair of teenagers who watch Black Books too often, are from Australia, and are from a time not so far away from the present. These are to two girls who will be the focus of this story. (Again, they are not the heroes because they would fall over their feet if they tried to be)

This story came about when Paige was bored in Maths, and was passing notes to Stevie. What should she write a fanfic about when "When the Past Needs You" was in a rough spot? How about if two girls, like them, were thrown into the era of Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and James Potter? And what if their names were Paige and Stevie? And what if they could fulfil a little sick fantasy and the girls could hook up with their respective crushes? And can I borrow your phone to ring my mum later on?

If this has not discouraged you, please read what Paige has written. It is weird, crazy and maybe even a little hard to understand, as it is written as the author herself would say it. Please keep in mind that it is at the bottom of her list of fics to write, so watch the space if, by some strange reason, compelled to read more.


	2. I'm Nauseous

God Save Hogwarts

_I'm Nauseous_  


  
'AAAAGH! Give me back my wand you idiot!'

Stevie and Paige looked at each other and shrugged. How many times had their other best friend and her brother fought over the only wand in the family? It...annoyed Lewis that his sister was a witch and he was not; his parents were Muggles and showed an incredible amount of favourtism. That was one of the main reasons why he was waving the wand over Jessica's pet, pretending to be making the rabbit disappear.

'Abracadabra Alakazoo...' he intoned with a grin on his face.

The wand fizzled and he flew backwards, into the kitchen. Jessica chased him and her friends followed, shaking their heads.

Lewis had found way to irritate Jessica, and it involved sticking her wand in the microwave. 'How long should I cook it for?'

'Don't you dare, Lewis!'

'Yeah, I'll put it in for 20 hours and 0 point 3 seconds.'

He pressed the button and the room instantly filled with smoke. Lewis ran out of the kitchen and Jessica followed, screaming for her mother. Paige and Stevie were the only ones left to save the poor wand. Carefully making it to the microwave, they had to wave their arms about for several seconds to even see what time was left on there. 19 hours and 76 seconds. Wait a minute? 76 seconds?

Stevie shared another look with Paige, tears streaming down their faces from the smoke. She pressed the button to open the microwave, and light flooded the room.  


  
'Ouch. Stevie, are we still alive?'

'Yep. In a lot of pain, but still alive.'

'I feel nauseous. Just like Filbert.'

'I hate Rocko's Modern Life.'

'Not the time, Stevie. Not the time.'

Paige opened her eyes warily, trying to remember what Jessica's kitchen looked like. Unless she was sadly mistaken, it did not have white curtains and beds. Who had beds in their kitchen? Or a nurse, for that matter.

The nurse moved aside and a man in robes and a gigantic beard walked forward. Paige's mind may still be recovering from whatever it is she had been through, but she could still remember her quotes. 'Have I joined a cult?'

'No, you have not,' the man said with a smile. 'You have joined us at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.'

'Hogwarts. Isn't that the school Jessica goes to?' Stevie whispered to her best friend.

'It is. This must be Dumbledore. Dude, how cool is this?'

'I dunno, it sounds dangerous. I don't like it.'

They both grinned and Paige turned back to the Headmaster. 'But, the school term isn't supposed to start for another three weeks or more. In fact, we were going to start digging a hole to China. This throws our plans right out the window.'

'I apologise if this interrupts your holidays, but school has recommenced this week. This is very, very curious...'

'I agree. Are we allowed to stay here?' Stevie asked hopefully.

'Most certainly. You are both powerful witches.'

Their eyes widened and their jaws dropped. They were Muggles, not witches or anything magical.

'In fact,' Dumbledore continued, 'you may be our first chance to win the Transfiguration Competition two years in a row. Imagine, having the prestigious award saying "Transfiguration Winners: Hogwarts 1975."'

'1975!' They both exclaimed. Their lives were certainly getting interesting.

'Is there something wrong?' He asked, puzzled.

'Professor, we'll level with you.' Stevie began. 'We're from the future--,'

'--2003 to be precise--,'

'-and we did not show any signs of magical powers-'

'-we were Muggles. Damn fine ones at that!'

'The only reason we know about you, or Hogwarts or anything else in the wizarding world is because our other friend was a witch--'

'--Her wand got blown up in a microwave--'

'-and that's why we are here, in 1975, at a school where we can't do squat.' Stevie finished.

'A microwave, you say?' Dumbledore asked. They nodded. 'Then it is quite obvious.'

'It is?' Paige asked then remembered her manners, 'Sir?'

'The magical core of the wand, I am sure you know all about it, must have exploded and soaked you both in magic.'

'Really? That's freaky. How do you explain the whole "Going-back-in-time" thing?' Paige asked, trying to pat down her frizzy hair. 'And how do you know about microwaves? They are an entirely Muggle invention, sir.'

'I am well acquainted with Muggle inventions. I am quite partial to microwaved enchiladas if you must know.'

'Enchiladas!' Stevie exclaimed.

'Sir, that is so cool!' Paige added.

It should be noted that Stevie and Paige have an entire language of their own. They use quotes from movies, TV shows and other places and laugh hysterically when they use them in a conversation. They also try to make their own slang words, like enchilada.

He cleared his throat. 'What time did the wand blow up?'

'Well, last time I saw it, it was at 19 hours and 76 seconds.' Stevie announced. 'Which is just weird.'

'And probably a makeshift Time-Turner.' Dumbledore finished.

'Ah.' Paige said softly. 'This is starting to make sense. But,' she paused, 'if we are to study here, will we have to start from first year?'

'And what about wands, robes, books?'

'I think this may take a while...' Dumbledore murmured. 'Poppy, please make some tea for us!'  


  
It was decided that Stevie and Paige would be allowed to borrow money off Dumbledore for all of their equipment that they would need. He would also let them take up part time jobs at Hogsmeade so that they would be able to pay him back. Paige and Stevie would have been happy if he had told them that they had to sell him a kidney. They were going to HOGWARTS!

Professor McGonagall woke up the Sorting Hat and placed it on Paige's head.

'Hmm...let's see. You adore learning and would do well in Ravenclaw. What's this? A love for being sarcastic and a bit of a mean streak. Slytherin qualities to be sure. Not Hufflepuff, you aren't humble enough I'm afraid. Gryffindor...hmm, I'm sure Godric wouldn't complain overly much. Gryffindor it is, then.'

'Miss Jasmine, just over there.' Professor McGonagall told her, pointing to a table where all the students were clapping wildly.

'Thanks.'

She placed the hat on Stevie's head.

'I don't see what is so horrible about Slytherin, but if you're so against it, I won't put you in there. You can't be a Hufflepuff. They aren't doormats thank you very much. You'd make a good Ravenclaw, but your mother isn't here to write you notes explaining why you need extensions. Gryffindor!'

'Boo yeah, Stevie-o!' Paige said, over the cheering.

'High five, that's what I'm talking about!'

Dinner started, but Paige and Stevie were far too excited to be able to eat. They kept looking around at the people sitting next to them. Finally, a red head with bright green eyes took pity on them and moved over to sit to their left.

'Hi, Lily Evans.' She explained, chewing on some bread.

'Stevie Leigh.'

'Paige Jasmine.'

'Well obviously!' Lily said, rolling her eyes. 'You think we don't listen to old McGonagall when she calls names out?' She sighed and put down her food. 'I'm going to be your new best friend, ok? I'm going to tell you who to hang out with, who not to, who is in league with You-Know-Who, what teachers will take chocolate as a bribe and finally...' she paused for dramatic effect, '...what guys are the coolest to go out with.'

'I don't know if that is exactly what we need to know...' Paige began, but Stevie cut her off.

'That's exactly what we need to know.'

'Well, there are only a few guys in our grade who are dateable. For instance, don't lay a finger on James, he's mine.' She smiled. 'You can probably see that poor Pete isn't going to get a date soon. Remus has a lot of sick relatives and stuff, but he's a brilliant guy. Single too. Sirius is a ball of energy...and that is saying the nicest.'

Paige noticed Stevie staring intently at a dark haired boy talking conspicuously with three others. 'Oi, Stevie, Earth to Stevie!'

'She's a goner,' Lily whispered to Paige. 'I've seen it a million times. He's a heart breaker and a half.'

'So...we'll need loads of chocolate in our dorms?'

'Yep.' She did not seem inclined to comment further.

Paige finally realised that there was food in front of her and started eating.  


  
'Paige, you have so gotta check this out.'

She was standing in front of a poster, jiggling up and down as if she was eating something hot. Or she needed to go to the bathroom. Stevie repeated it over and over again until Paige finally snapped and walked over to her.

'What is it?'

'Transfiguration Club. That's what Dumbledore was going on about.'

'Awesome. We are so joining.'

'Oh yeah.' Stevie paused. 'I hope Sirius joins too.'

'Dude, you're worse than when I have a crush on someone.'

'Am not.'

'You are saying the exact same things. "I hope he's in my class next term." Or, "I hope he suddenly develops a love for singing and joins choir..."' Paige shook her head in amusement. 'Stevie, face it. You got it bad.'

'Yeah...I know. Come on, we'd better tell McGonagall that we want to be in the Transfiguration Club.'

They trudged up the stairs until their legs ached. Stevie knocked on the door and the Transfiguration teacher herself opened it. 'Yes?'

'Um, we were wondering if we would be able to join the Transfiguration Club.' Paige said.

'Fine, just a moment.' She waved her wand and a piece of paper appeared. After tapping the parchment twice, she rolled it into her robe. 'There. You are both on the list. Practices are on Mondays at four PM. Do not be late.'

'Yes Professor.' They said together.

Paige looked at her poor, abused watch that still had a blue duck sticker on it. Before she could say anything however, James, Sirius, Peter, Remus and Lily bumped into them. How oddly coincidental! Lily cursed and got help from James to lift her up. They both ran down the corridor, not looking back. Remus, Sirius groaned, Paige, and Stevie stifled curses.

'What are you guys doing?' Stevie exclaimed.

'Running away from Filch. Sirius let off a dozen fireworks!' Remus filled them in and got to his feet. 'I'd hide if I were you. God, Filch is frothing at the mouth.'

Sirius had already fled the scene, leaving Remus, Paige and Stevie still on the ground. At Lupin's words, they all jumped up, not wanting to get in trouble on their fourth day. Stevie went and hid behind a giant suit of armour.

'Oh god! What are you doing here?' Sirius hissed.

'Trying to hide from your mistake!' Stevie hissed back, equally angry.

'Keep quiet!'

'You!'

The knight suddenly stepped forward and showed them to the caretaker. 'What do we have here? Two Gryffindors hiding?'

'No sir.' Sirius said. He spun Stevie so she faced him and planted a kiss on her lips. 'Just wanted to be able to kiss her in private, sir.'

Filch grunted, clearly disappointed over not having caught them escaping his wrath. He turned away and let Stevie punch Sirius in the arm. 'God, you are such a smarmy git!'

'I am not!' He protested, rubbing his arm.

'Fine, you're not. But you shouldn't have kissed me like that!'

'Yeah, I know,' he grinned at her. 'But it was good!'

Stevie scowled at him, but she could never scowl at anybody long and soon grinned too. 'You are going to be such trouble.' With that, she walked off to find where Paige had run off to.  


  
'You want me to do what?' Stevie asked, her mouth dropping.

'They want you to be Chaser on their Quidditch Team.' Paige repeated for them, taking a piece of toast off Stevie's plate. 'James saw you flying the other day. He needs you on there. They suck at the moment.'

'We do not!' James said, bristling. 'It's just that Lily was forbidden to play on our team after an...incident.'

'Hey, who knew you weren't allowed to hex the opposing team?' Lily asked, shrugging.

Sirius and Remus fell down next to them, breathless after running from the Slytherins. 'Toad in Snape's breakfast.' Sirius explained, grinning from ear to ear.

There was a cry from the Slytherin table and they all laughed. Severus had a green toad on his head, and was trying to get it off by beating at it with his books. The toad jumped off his head and Snape hit himself over the head.

'That was slightly mean, you know.' Paige said once she had recovered.

'Mean?' Remus shook his head. 'You don't know the meaning of mean until he turns on you.'

'Don't scare the bejeebus out of her!' Lily admonished. 'We have Potions next.'

'Aw god.' Sirius and James moaned. 'Not Snapie!'  


  
Stevie and Paige were stunned to find out that instead of the overgrown bat that Jessica had for Potions, their new friends had possibly the coolest teacher ever. (Other than certain Defence against the Dark Arts teachers that Jess had a crush on) Instead of insisting on utter silence, he let them have fun.

'Pair up and wear something to protect yourselves. If you do this right there will be an explosion or two.' Professor Smiley said. He never told them his real name, preferring to keep to his made up one.

'Lils?' James asked. She nodded and they moved over to his cauldron.

'Oi, Sirius. Wanna be my partner?' Stevie adjusted her goggles and looked up.

'Yeah, ok.'

Paige was about to ask Remus if he wanted to be her partner, when Severus Snape came up behind her. 'Miss Jasmine?'

She turned around. 'Uh, hello Severus.

'You weren't going to ask Lupin to be your partner, were you?' He asked in distaste.

'Well actually...'

'Because he knows nothing about the subtlety of Potions like I do. You will need someone with skill to help you, arriving so late at Hogwarts as you did.'

'Hey, I know some stuff about Potions.' Remus said half-heartedly.

'Oh shut up.' Severus sneered and turned back to Paige. 'I will be your partner, if you want to pass this subject.'

She shrugged. 'You don't mind being stuck with Petey Boy do you, Remus?'

He shook his head, eyes on the cauldron. Severus took her sleeve and led her to his table where he had already placed everything in order of where they came in the potion. Paige sighed and helped him cut up some of the caterpillars in thin slices.

'Let me see that,' he said softly, taking the cutting board from her hands. 'These are paper thin!' He exclaimed, taking one and putting it up to the light. 'Amazing.'

'Severus, I believe we should be getting back to work.' Paige said tightly, taking back her caterpillars huffily.

Their explosion was the best, James and Lily's coming next. All of the Gryffindors knew how to make explosions well, but there was no beating Snape's expert timing and Paige's expert chopping. Sirius was rather sulky when she returned to her friends, and she could see why. Both Stevie and Sirius were drenched in their Potion.

'What happened?' She asked, smothering a laugh.

'Stevie suddenly realised her bag wasn't waterproof.' He told her, scratching his elbow. 'So she took our covering and put it on her stuff.'

'Why didn't you just use the Impervious Charm?' Remus asked.

Sirius and Stevie both went red, or rather, redder as the Potion looked like blood. 'I knew I forgot something...' Stevie said, grinning.  


  



End file.
